For 365 days, I’ve relentlessly battled to remove every ounce of romanticized feelings of you. I knew that some point along the way, it just clicked to me. I deserve so much better.
I felt excruciating pain, uncertainty and guilt all mixed in one. Happiness that would last a few hours, did not compensate for the shadows of sadness that downed on me for the time that remained. I tried to think of all the possibilities of how we could make it work – I would’ve given up everything just to feel you near me every day, and feel the warmth of your body on mine.
But you were selfish.
You told me things that made my heart sing. You opened up deeper parts of me so you could wrap your hands around my heart just to hold it hostage. You made me feel so special and wanted. It was as if it was just me and you against the world. The way you would whisper sweet nothings into my ear and I would dream of you to the point I feared of losing you. You spoke to me whenever it was convenient to you, but when my heart yearned for you, you were no where to be found. You would fill my heart with love, and my your touch was sparking energy through my veins. I was falling in love…
You made me believe we could last. That you and I were forever. And it was my mistake for falling for empty promises just to fulfill the fantasies created in your head.
I wish you genuinely cared, and did not seek my attention just to fill the emptiness in your cold heart. I wish you could see how much I wanted you… not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I wish you saw the way I looked at you and admired you when you weren’t looking, and the way I would smile when I saw your eyes light up. I wish you knew how many hours of the day I wondered how you were and if you were taking good care of yourself. I wish you knew how many times I cried my heart out during times I needed you most. I wish you were interested in what I was passionate about and saw that whenever I pushed you to do work, that it was because I wanted the best for you.
I wish you said how you really felt. I wish you confided in me the way I confided in you. I wish you opened up to me, the way I did with you. I wish you meant the words you actually said. I wish you fought for me. I wish you didn’t take me to places we wouldn’t get seen. I wish you didn’t hide me from your family. I wish you valued me the way I valued you. I wish you asked more questions to get to know me better. I wish you respected me more. I wish you understood how heartbroken I was when you we hung up the phone. I wish you would show me the darker parts of your soul, the way I shown you mine. I wish you loved me.
Despite the hurt you caused me – I still love you. But my love… you never loved me. No matter how many times you said to me you wanted me… I knew it was not in the way I wanted you. And it killed me.
I’m perceptive. I knew if you were hiding. I could sense it.
I hope you find what it is that will fill the emptiness in your soul. I hope you find a girl who would love you the way I would love you and that you would love her equally as much. I hope you love her unconditionally. I hope your parents love her. I hope she gives you all the happiness in the world that will bring you true joy. I hope she makes you laugh. I hope she listens to your concerns. I hope she loves you endlessly.
In the end… we deserve better. We are better off apart than we are together. And no matter how many times at night I think of your touch, I will remind myself of how much pain you brought to me…
From the girl who would have given you the world.